somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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