I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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