i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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