hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
