You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
