Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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