Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
