in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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