Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
