If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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