I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
