I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i love accidental penises.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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