can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
