Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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