you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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