It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
