Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
