Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
