Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
