omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
