Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
