Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
