I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
ttyl tear gas
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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