id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
