Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
