im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
