I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
