im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
