My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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