I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
