WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
