this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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