I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
