Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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