Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
