I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
