How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
