you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you traded sex for a burrito?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
