she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
