but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can you bring me the toilet please
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
