I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
