@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
