Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
