Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
