Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
