highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
