found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
