my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
