So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
