she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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