I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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